whisper
by lessa4
Summary: TalaKai one-shot, sequel coming soon. TalaKai, I wrote it, so extreme angst, is there anything else you needed to know? Oh well. Read if you dare. Doom.


Wheee! I'm back! Welcome to my sick and twisted mind, here's a lovely little one-shot for ya1 should have the sequel up soon . . . Standard disclaimers.

Catch me as I fall

Say you're here and it's all over now

Speaking to the atmosphere

No one's here and I fall into myself

This truth drives me into madness

"I'm so sorry Kai," I whispered to him. "This is all my fault." I picked up his limp hand, cradling it between my own. His pale skin was as cold as the metal sheath over his index finger. The only sounds in the sterile white room were the monotonously regular beeps of the monitors and the quiet thuds of my tears as they fell onto the sheet.

And he was silent. Staring unblinkingly at the ceiling, wordlessly, as was his custom. He was so removed, like he didn't even belong in this world anymore. Just like that night ...

"...Tala, you know this is important. We're going so far, we might actually have a shot ..." The mahogany-eyed Russian looked at his partner, willing him to understand.

The redhead glanced away bitterly. "Of course. Your team is so important, they always have to come first." His electric blue eyes snapped up to glare at the other teen. "You just got back and I wanted to spend some time with you, but no, your precious Blade Breakers need you. Dickenson calls for you and you come like a good dog. You make me sick."

Tala flinched inwardly, knowing that his words stung, and that he was being unfair. But he was past caring. His lover had finally returned to him, and not twelve hours after he arrived, he was going to go back to Japan for some last minute training. His stomach twisted at the injustice of it all. Didn't he matter to Kai anymore?

Apparently not.

The bluenette seemed to pull into himself, going quiet. This angered the wolf master even more. He didn't want him to agree, he wanted Kai to get upset, and he wanted him to argue. It was inexplicable, but the docility in his lover hurt almost as much as his willingness to leave. "Get out," he growled. "I can't even look at you."

I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away

If I will it all away

I felt him holding my hand, I could hear him speaking, but couldn't make out the words. I wanted so badly to tell him I was sorry, that I had failed him. But I couldn't bring my treacherous tongue to say what I longed to. He needed to know that I would never leave him again, if he would still have me. And most of all, I needed him to forgive me. For everything.

Kai walked down the darkened ally-way, the collar of his jacket flipped up around his neck to protect him from a biting wind. He walked past a little alcove, where he spotted a dark shape curled up there, a long bottle held loosely in its hand. He quickly passed it, not wanting to be asked for money that would most assuredly be wasted on another drink.

He reached the end of the side street, pausing for a moment to contemplate which way to go. Right, left, or back the way he came. He immediately dismissed the last; Tala would only become more upset if he came back. He would return in the morning, after he had given Tala, and himself for that matter, time to think all of this over.

Because Tala was right, the Blade Breakers had always come first, but that didn't mean that it was fair to the redhead. But it was important that they win the upcoming tournament. If they did, it was all over for him. No more Blade Breakers, no more BBA, no more blading. The Demolition Boys had been fine when their team had dissolved, and so would Kai Hiwitari.

He would make this right.

Don't turn away

Don't give in to the pain

Don't try to hide

Though they're screaming your name

Don't close your eyes

God knows what lies behind them

Don't turn out the light

Never sleep never die

He's blocking everything out, I know he is. He doesn't even blink anymore, just stares, stares at the ceiling, lost in his own world. I still stay by his side, trying to coax him back to reality. The doctors have told me that sometimes, with cases like this, the patient wants to just leave it all behind, if only to escape the pain. They've put him on life support, nutrients through a needle is what Ivan used to call it. They haven't given him an oxygen mask; they only reserve that for those who can't breathe for themselves, the poor souls who are in comatose. He isn't in a coma. Not yet.

"Kai," I whisper fiercely. "Kai, I know you can hear me. Don't give up on me. Please, please. Stick with me. I'm sorry ..."

I'm frightened by what I see

But somehow I know that there's much more to come

Immobilized by my fear

And soon to be blinded by tears

I can stop the pain if I will it all away

I feel myself drift away again; something is releasing me from all the pain. But I want the pain, the physical. It stops me from feeling the emotional pain. If I hurt, I don't have to relive the nightmare...

The sound of glass shattering. The bluenette whirled around, searching for the source of the noise. In the darkness, a shadow looms, holding something out in front of it. A loud crack echoed through the air, then another, and another. With a half scream of pain and surprise, Kai dropped to the ground, clutching at his bloodied shoulder and side, leaving his leg unattended. Bright crimson poured from the hole, awkwardly sluicing around the bullet that prevented it from flowing smoothly.

The dark figure descended on him, and with it, shadows and pain.

Tala paced the hospital waiting room nervously, his progress being followed by an unsympathetic police officer. The redhead collapsed into a chair, exhausted, but still glancing every few seconds towards the door of the ward. The policeman took this opportunity to ask the distraught young man some questions, hoping that the answers would be coherent. Sometimes, in situations like this, there was nothing you could do to make these people say something intelligent.

"I'm from the police station, Tala. Can I ask you a couple questions?" The boy just nodded, so the older man continued. "Now, were you and Mr. Hiwitari living together, Tala? It just helps us with some basic paperwork to know these things." He pulled out a pen and notepad, ready to write anything down.

For a moment, Tala was silent, not even looking up. Quietly, in a voice that the officer had to strain to hear, he said, "Kai. His name is Kai."

"Kai then. You and Kai were living together?"

He nodded.

"And when did you last see Kai? Did he say anything to you?"

The wolf master shook his head. "Three days ago, on Monday. I told him to leave, and he did. That was it." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "It's all my fault."

He scribbled a few things on his pad before closing it and standing up. Gingerly patting the young man on the shoulder, he tried to make a graceful exit. "Now now, son. Your friend is going to be fine, there's absolutely nothing to worry about."

But Tala wasn't listening. Two words pounded through his head, a mantra that drove him to the edge of his sanity. _My fault, my fault, my fault..._

Don't turn away

Don't give in to the pain

Don't try to hide

Though they're screaming your name

Don't close your eyes

God knows what lies behind them

Don't turn out the light

Never sleep never die

Sometimes the best thing is to just increase the painkillers to the extent where the body overloads and shuts down. A painless, merciful death. He won't feel a thing.

That's what those quacks who call themselves doctors told me. That they could give Kai a release, that he could leave it all behind. It was up to me.

What am I supposed to say to that? It's not my life, I can't choose. Is it bad enough that he would want to die, or is it too soon? Could he actually pull through? I know that if it weren't for my petty selfishness, he wouldn't be here. He'd be in Japan, winning that tournament. I put my lover and my best friend in the hospital, and they want me to decide whether he's going to live or not. Jesus fucking Christ.

I can't let him go, I just can't. I need him. I love him. But what if that's what he wants? What if Kai really does want to die? My tears fall onto his face, slide down his cheek, which seems oddly bare without its paint. He looks almost like a stranger to me now. I just want the old Kai back. I want the other half of my soul. The monitors beep, and I know he's still with me. Still alive. Real.

"Kai? What do I do? What do you want? What do you want ...?"

Fallen angels at me feet

Whispered voices at my ear

Death before my eyes

Lying next to me I fear

She beckons me I shall give in

Upon my end I shall begin

Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end

I see him, leaning over me, but I can't move. His filthy hands dig deep into my pockets, searching for something. He has my wallet in his hands, stuffing it into his tattered coat. I don't care, just leave me alone.

His lips crush mine, bruising me, his tongue sliding into my mouth. Can't move, can't breathe. The half-shaved beginnings of a beard scratches at my skin, rough, just like his hands as they tear at my clothes. His weight settles on me, and I tried to struggle, to throw him off. Can't move.

Tala ...

He grunts from on top of me and I scream in agony. He laughs at my torment, laughs and laughs. He's breathing hard, his foul breath on my face. His mouth is on mine again, cutting off my air, stifling my cries. Then he throws his head back and howls, pulling away and leaving me in the streets to bleed.

Tala ... where are you?

Everything around me is blurred, but it doesn't matter. All I see is white, nothing but a blank field of snow. I know I'm in pain, but I don't feel anything. I'm not attached to my body anymore. Can't move.

Tala ... help me.

And then I hear it. A voice, thrown so out of proportion that is could have been my own and I still wouldn't recognize it. I can hardly hear it over an annoying beeping sound, regular as a heartbeat. It's asking me something ....

"What do you want?"

Want? There's only one thing that I want now, the only thing I'll ever want again.

"Tala."

Plain and simple, one word, but it was all I needed. My name. He was waiting for me, and I would go to him, and would never leave. Never. I smile through my tears, leaning over to kiss him.

He blinks after I pull away, then his gaze moves from the ceiling to my face. The corner of his mouth tugs upwards in a smile. A bitter, sad one, but a smile all the same. I squeeze his hand, and he closes his eyes to sleep.

Sleep. It sounds so good, and now that I think about it, I've been seriously lacking when it comes to the whole rest thing. So I push out of my chair and lay down next to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. He turns towards me, putting his head on my shoulder, and we drifted away together. Away from reality, away from the world, just the two of us, forever.

The beeps blurred together to form a single, droning wail. On the monitor, the green line flattened and lay still.


End file.
